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Nov. 11th, 2015

At the end of the day I'm just lonely. I don't expect anyone to fix it or anyone to care. I'm terrified that I will always be as lonely and empty as I am now. I don't try to get close to people to have relationships. Certainly not romantic ones. It would be nice to be romantic with someone but, I've tried so much and it always ends up hurting me with little gained or learned. And no period of bliss to counter the heartache I feel in the end. Maybe I just fall for the wrong people but, that's the way it goes. I wasn't talking to you, or anyone else for that matter hoping to find a place in your heart. I don't expect anyone to have room in their heart for me. If you hurt, I want you to not hurt. It's as simple as that. I feel shit every day. Suicidal, lonely, empty, bitter. The only thing that makes me feel any better is sparing others the pain that I myself have suffered. I doubt it means anything to anyone. But it's the only thing keeping me alive.

If I said I just want to be loved by someone, it wouldn't mean anything because nobody will ever love me. I am a terrible human being and I don't deserve to be happy.

And the return

A friend starting a new LJ of her own prompted me to give mine a look, maybe a bit of a return. I've lost the ability to properly extricate my thoughts and put them into a medium such as this. Perhaps it is time I regained the ability. My immediate thoughts; I looked through some of my old recent posts and I suffer from that verbal diarrhea thing. Holy shit.
Didn't have a computer for the past two weeks or so. Man, that sucks. Now I've lost EVERYTHING. Every single bit of data because not only was my old motherboard fucked but my old harddrives burnt to a crisp as well. But fuggit. I'm drunk right now and I really don't give a fuck. Everything in my life is changing, right now everything sucks. I'm not gonna give up. If I have to cut my hair short, if I have to conform to some bullshit lifestyle I don't fucking care. I'm not giving up. I won't quit. With all the trials and tribulations I've had thrown at me, if I was really a failure I would have killed myself already. I will succeed. I will do what I need to. I have the strength inside of me to be whatever I want to. The one thing I know above anything and everything else is that I can't rely on anyone. I have to rely on myself. I have to do it myself. GED, Schooling, everything. I will pull through, and I will pull it off myself. if I have to wait for the economy to pick up so be it. But I won't give up. I won't fail. I will NOT fail. I know what I want and I will succeed if it kills me. I will succeed.
I cut off all my hair. It's for the purpose of growing it back to be healthier looking, less frizzy, yada yada. Oh my god I look like a completely different person. I look like I'm 17. No sir, I don't like it. I can't wait for it to get a little length back. :|
I started watching Spongebob Squarepants with my nephew while I was in Washington. ...now that I'm back in Arizona I can't stop watching it.

...

Help me.

Posting from a Wii... wheeeee

I'm gonna be in Washington until the 15th and then I finally get to go home. Not that that will be much better. I took living alone for granted. Time to lie to myself some more about how I'm gonna get my act together. What I need is some way to make myself not wait for things to just magically happen. PS typing on a Wii sucks. SUCKS
Life. Complex series of random events, or strange plan that fits together in the end? There's a thinker.
The more I try to find some way to not have to spend the rest of the day alone the more upset I'm getting. I really... I really don't want to be by myself right now. At first I thought I'd go hang out with Robert but its his girlfriend's birthday. Gino is on the Queen Mary today with HVRN. My mom is in the hospital with a migraine. Today just sucks. Maybe it seems insensitive of me that I'm not really phased by my mom being in the hospital with a migraine, but that's pretty common for her. Fuck, the older I get the worse my migraines are getting, the more common they're becoming. I'm not looking forward to when I'm as miserable as she is from migraines. Urgh. I need more booze.

I managed to keep myself fairly calm until they asked me if I wanted to say anything at her funeral. I ended up breaking down into tears at that point.

...

I hate graveyards.

Jan. 24th, 2009

I'm going to my great grandmother's funeral in an hour. I'm not sure how I should feel. When she died I was upset, but now I don't really feel anything. Maybe that will change in a little while. I've never been to a funeral before. When I was younger my mother didn't take me to any, she thought I couldn't handle it. She was probably right.

I'm not looking forward to this.
First christmas I've ever not been an emotional wreck. I'm feeling quite normal in fact, whee. Admittedly I'm a tad drunk , ut that is irrelevant. shit is going pretty well. I mean, normal stuff aside. I've been using match.com. That site pisses me off. You see somebody and you fucking know you'd get along well but they never respond to your message. meh, whatever. I'll just meet people in person. The chances of me ever meeting someone that matches my criteria is slim, but not impossible. Plan is to keep exercising and working on my me issues. I think I'm over most of them. I know the kind of person I am and it's not a bad kind. It's a fucking AMAZING kind, bitches. All the trials and tribulations of my life may have caused me an insurmountable amount of pain and the like, but in the end, they've shaped who I am. A truly strong person overcomes whatever obstacles get thrown at them, and that's what I've been doing all along. Built my character, no regrets from the past. I'm the man I am today because of the things I've experienced, and while I've not always done the best thing, I've always done what felt right. I have good morals and I let them guide me.

I have no point anymore. I'm teetering between buzzed and drunk. I like me, if you don't fuck you that's my point.

The dance of despair in the sublime abyss exists no longer.

Oh yeah, sweet ass concert coming up. Sepultura, Cradle of Filth, and Satyricon in concert. Fuck YEAH! First time Satyricon has come to america.