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So... I go to put on my glasses, screw is loose somehow. Lens pops out and then the screw pops out. So the right side of my glasses are no longer held together to contain the lens. I scramble around my apartment for about an hour trying to figure out what to do and finally I find a blow dart from my blow dart gun. So, I take the blow dart and see if it'll fit through the tiny screw hole, lo and behold, it does! So I end up twisting it around the hole to hold it together. Let me tell ya, that thing was a lot hard to bend like that than I expected. So small that if I didn't grip it just right it'd slip outta my fingers not to mention that I had to clasp the two parts of the glasses together as I did it. So, my glasses are fixed now sorta. But now there is a spike protruding forward from them.

Photobucket

Needless to say, I can't wear them when I go outside but uh... they do the trick at home! I dunno, I still think it's better than wearing spectacles with tape holding them together.

Does this mean I've grown up?

This is the first time I've ever not been depressed at this time of the year. Usually it starts on my birthday, that sense of emptiness and some resentment with no target that manages to fester into sorrow. It's not here. There's not even a slight tinge of anything resembling it. Instead I've managed to maintain this feeling of happiness and optimism. It's... strange but certainly welcome.

Thanks to everyone that wished me a happy birthday, I'm sorry I didn't respond to half of you, it was a hectic day for me. Woke up and Gilligan was laying on my pillow. His face was really swollen, so I had to take him to the vet. But he got better after the vet visit so all is well.

I finally got around to measuring myself with a scale and I've lost about 50 pounds. I'm quite happy about it and I plan to continue losing more weight. I've developed a fondness for long walks, particularly during the night time which is kind of a mixed bag. On the one hand, it's absolutely my favorite time of day. On the other, I'm on generally on edge because of the neighborhood I live in. Ah well, if something happens something happens, I'm not too worried about it.
Y'know, aside from this nasty cold I've got. I feel really good. I do. I feel like the daily compliment to myself is having some legitimate effect, strangely enough. Robert IMed me through the one medium I hadn't blocked him on yet yesterday, MSN. It was... strange.
[22:04] Rachy: hi
[22:05] Philip: I have a pretty good assumption of who you are.
[22:05] Philip: If it's who I think I'm not interested.
[22:05] Rachy: k
[22:06] Rachy: just seeing if you simmered down
[22:06] Philip: There's nothing to simmer down about.
[22:07] Philip: He's a selfish, arrogant prick
[22:07] Philip: He had the nerve to insult me over worrying about him
[22:07] Philip: And I'm done
[22:07] Rachy: why are you talking about me in 3rd person.
[22:08] Philip: Oh fuck I thought it was your friend
[22:08] Philip: Piss off

Let me elaborate on that. Rachy is some chick he played World of Warcraft with. When I got an IM from someone with the display name Rachy, I thought it was her. As soon as I realized it was him I blocked him, because I am done with him. He fucked up with me and there's no more chances. But uh, anyway. Does anybody think it's really fucking weird, maybe even creepy that he made his display name Rachy? Like, something seems wrong with that to me. I guess it's in character for him though, weirdo did a lot of shit that creeped me out.

So, I'm gonna be 20 years old in 9 days, I'm cutting ties with the things holding me down or back or god forbid to the past. I'm looking to the present to make a better future for myself, and surprisingly enough, I'm feeling really optimistic. I'm an adult now. I'm not legal drinking age yet, sure. But, I'll finish honing myself into a strong man before I start hitting on bar skanks. :P


***

If you saw ME in a police car, what would you think I got arrested for?

Answer in the form of a comment, then post to your own journal and see how many crimes you get accused of. Be brutal.
I don't think I'm ever going to have the relationship with my dad I've always hoped for. I've always wanted him in my life, I've always needed him to be there for me.

I lost my job two months ago. I guess, technically I quit. But I thought it was more that the chef and I came to a mutual agreement that it wasn't the right job for me. The days I'd missed didn't help the situation. I guess my dad was/is furious with me for it. Which I didn't really know since he's just stopped speaking to me completely. I finally mustered up the courage to call up my grandmother today, almost two months later. And I asked if he was mad at me. She said yes. I wasn't really surprised, it was what I was assuming. I guess... what I really wish is that he would talk to me about it instead of just choosing to ignore me completely. No responses to the messages I send him, nothing. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if he'll just fade out of my life again. I was so close to actually opening up to him too, letting him see more than the face I put on because I'm so ashamed of who I really am. Maybe... maybe it's good that I was cautious about it.

Am I wrong in thinking that he shouldn't shun me because he's mad at me? I don't really know. Maybe it's all I deserve. I could see it if I was just his friend or something, but, I mean... I'm his son so... doesn't that mean something? Anything?

Times like these I think about the void I've had in my life because he wasn't there. I wonder if he's ever felt the same because I wasn't there and then I whisper "Probably not" to myself as I feel the depression take hold of me.
I've been trying to apologize to all the people I've wronged. I don't think anything will come of any of it, nothing came of some of the other apologies I've made. I have wronged a lot of different people a lot of different ways. But, at least by doing this I will have some small peace of mind. Rather than constantly looking back on the things regretfully, I can just ease myself with the knowledge I've done what I can.

I think I'm about to end my friendship with Robert. That leaves me with zero real friends. Oh well. I prefer solitude anyway.
I don't know what my deal is, I hate talking to pretty much anyone anymore. It's something I got over but now I'm experiencing the issue in a different way. Before I was just too damn insecure to say anything. Now that I'm over that I actually chat and get to know people and honestly I don't really like any of them.

The worst part is the people I'm friends with. Things they say and do that I used to enjoy, I can't stand anymore. If it doesn't upset it annoys the fuck out of me, and I just grin and bare it. Urgh. I don't know what to say. I'm putting myself up on a pedestal, everyone else can fuck off. Lonely on a pedestal, sure, but at least I don't have to deal with idiots.
Just got home from the Grand Hotel. It was a really great experience. Even the start where I was just meeting people. Everyone was really friendly, a lot of cracking jokes, I felt really welcome. The drive to get out to Jerome was a tad long. I personally didn't know where Jerome was even, so it was cool to see something like that. We could see the hotel from pretty far away so at first it didn't occur to me how large it was. Needless to say I was pleasantly surprised when we got to it. The place was massive, beautifully furnished. All the decor had this older feel to it, the place was luxuriously decorated. Really, the place was amazing. I really want to go into so much more detail about everything that happened but it'll have to wait. I'm tired, but even more than that I'm just so eager to go through all of the things I recorded for phenomena.

It was so fun, oh my god, I CAN'T wait to do it again.

May. 21st, 2008

I'm joining the Arizona Paranormal Society today. I'm soooo excited. I've wanted to be a ghost hunter for years, now I get to do it. We're going out to Jerome to investigate the grand hotel. The Grand Hotel is a hotel that used to be a hospital and an asylum and had a tuberculosis ward at one point. Jerome is an old mining town out in the desert. I've got a digital camera and an audio recorder to take with me to document paranormal activity. This is going to be so cool.
All my friendships are fading. Whether they be something personal or something of the internet, I've noticed the strings severing. It feels bad, but it's not enough to make me wallow in self loathing. The only question I can really ask myself is if it's normal, something that happens to everyone.

The lack of a bond with my friends I grew up with is what bothers me the most. We grew apart, even me and Eric. Eric... hell, I thought Eric and I would always be friends. I'm three years older than him, so I actually have known the bugger his entire life. His older brother and I were friends when I was three or so, so knowing Eric too just kind of happened, and we had a better bond than him and Chris.

I think the lack of a social life is getting to me. Robert is a worthless marijuana addicted flake. Eric has other friends. Jeff is in jail. I need to meet some new people.
As you mature you realize the mistakes and problems of the past are simply that, the past. You can't change the bad things you've done or that have happened to you, and more importantly they've made you who you are good or bad. You can't simply dwell on the past allowing yourself to sulk and despair on your failures and shortcomings. Instead you must persevere, looking to the present and future for change and wellbeing.

Growing up is a bitch. It happened later than I would have liked, but I think I've finally grown up.