Philip (zero_hawk) wrote,

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I don't think I'm ever going to have the relationship with my dad I've always hoped for. I've always wanted him in my life, I've always needed him to be there for me.

I lost my job two months ago. I guess, technically I quit. But I thought it was more that the chef and I came to a mutual agreement that it wasn't the right job for me. The days I'd missed didn't help the situation. I guess my dad was/is furious with me for it. Which I didn't really know since he's just stopped speaking to me completely. I finally mustered up the courage to call up my grandmother today, almost two months later. And I asked if he was mad at me. She said yes. I wasn't really surprised, it was what I was assuming. I guess... what I really wish is that he would talk to me about it instead of just choosing to ignore me completely. No responses to the messages I send him, nothing. In the back of my mind I'm wondering if he'll just fade out of my life again. I was so close to actually opening up to him too, letting him see more than the face I put on because I'm so ashamed of who I really am. Maybe... maybe it's good that I was cautious about it.

Am I wrong in thinking that he shouldn't shun me because he's mad at me? I don't really know. Maybe it's all I deserve. I could see it if I was just his friend or something, but, I mean... I'm his son so... doesn't that mean something? Anything?

Times like these I think about the void I've had in my life because he wasn't there. I wonder if he's ever felt the same because I wasn't there and then I whisper "Probably not" to myself as I feel the depression take hold of me.
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