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Mar. 13th, 2008

Typical experience for me.

Me thinking: Hey, there's a ring around the moon. That's pretty cool, I remember my mom told me it's supposed to be a bad omen.

Hour later

Friend: Dude! There's a ring around the moon!
Other friends: Wow that's awesome! Good eye man! I totally would have missed that! Wow that looks so cool!
Me: Yeah, it's pretty cool to look at isn't it? They say it's supposed to be a bad omen.
Friends: What the fuck is an omen?
Me: Well an omen is supposed to be like a foretelling of-
Friends: What? Foretelling? What the fuck are you talking about?
Me: ...nevermind.

That's pretty much every conversation I have with people in a nutshell. No wonder I prefer the internet for communication, there's the anonymity that gives me the ability to be a dick. If it was internetland I'd be mocking people instead of just dropping the subject entirely. See, and my friends are all dicks to each other, so I don't get why I can't join in too. It's not that I'm afraid of a physical repercussion or anything, I'm a big guy, I've been in fights before, I can handle myself in that regard. I'm just so insecure that I'm afraid anything I say will result in people not liking me anymore.

No wonder I'm such a fucking shut-in.

I also really wish I could stop saying fuck so much. It's really every other word for me when I'm talking to someone. Fuck this, fuck that, what the fuck, who the fuck, fuck that, motherfucker, fucking thing, fucking hell, fucking a, holy fuck, etc, etc. Is there some place you go where you just say "Hey, I don't want to fucking say fuck anymore. So fix it you fucking douchebag."
So yesterday I took a Tylenol PM at about 9AM, plugged my phone into the charger, and went to bed. The Tylenol PM was because, well, I haven't been feeling very well, congestion, that whole thing and it helps me sleep. I wake up around 9PM to someone banging on my door, just nonstop. So I'm kind of like "What the fuck?" put my dogs in their cage and go check. It's my mom and Joe at the door. Apparently they'd been trying to get a hold of me all day and were completely incapable of doing so. Mom starts yelling at me about me turning my phone off. I go "Oh" realizing what that was. Sometimes when my phone is plugged into the charger it doesn't get a signal. Not that I get very good signal inside my apartment anyway, but yeah. I guess she got everyone else freaked out about me missing or something too. Christ. She thought maybe I'd gone so far as to kill myself because I told her I've been feeling depressed. She's all "The police were going to be the next step if you didn't answer this time!" She'd been to my apartment like three times looking for me, apparently.

I suppose that answers my question of "If I killed myself how long would it take someone to notice?" Of course, I was just sleeping and my phone wasn't getting a signal. Was a bit odd, waking up at 9 o clock at night and having my mom yell at me.
I've been noticing it more and more lately. I'm not an assertive person. I'm beginning to wonder if that's why I have so many issues in my life. Not to blame everything on that, but it's easily a contributing factor. I became a little aware of it when I was working at Native New Yorker. At this point I'm just becoming more and more aware of it every day. I let people walk all over me constantly. I want to fix that, I want to become better about it, and I think maybe I'll be a better person for it. The next issue, though, is that I've also become so damn apathetic. I've been doing it for so long as a coping mechanism. Something bad happens, I don't let it bother me, I just force myself to feel numb towards it. I do that with everything, EVERYTHING.

Apathy and a lack of assertiveness are ruining my life. For once, I actually care. I really fucking care. I'm just not sure how to attempt fixing this problem. I've got no idea where to start. I want to do this, I need to do this. I just need to figure out how to start.

Feb. 6th, 2008

Joe can't pay my rent next month and I still don't have a job. Oy.

My mother's exercise in learning to take care of myself is failing terribly.

Posted with my Wii. (Hur hur)

Ahhh. I wish this fucking thing had a keyboard. Ok, well, I'm not dead. ...clearly. My monitor IS dead however. Stupid thing. Maybe I'll be able to get a new one soon. Anyway, I got a job. I'm a line cook at the Native New Yorker. Really easy job. Servers can be dicks occasionally. Not too bad overall. More details to come if I ever get my monitor back.
P.S: Mario Galaxy is amazing.

Nov. 22nd, 2007

Dude I fucking hate rap so much. I'm always riding around with Rob and that's almost all he listens to. It's driving me crazy. There's a few songs that are ok but most of the shit just drives me nuts. I swear to god if I hear Solja Boi one more goddamn time I'll snap. It's different, spending ally my time outside. Shits going okay. I'm actually sort of happy for a change so I guess that's good. I still don't have a job. Fry's Electronics said I could have one for sure if I cut my hair but... I dunno. I don't really want to cut my hair.

Rob is really fucking touchy about the subject of pregnancy. He trips the fuck out over every little thing towards it with his girlfriend. Really hates jokes about it. This one night he was like "Ashley makes my sun come out." so I was like "hur hur if you're not careful she'll definitely make your son come out." Rob was not amused. Touchy prick.

I've been getting stoned a lot. Too much. Oh, I'm stoned right now in fact. A tad drunk too, I spent a bit of time at Sean's tonight, Rob and I did. I drank a bunch of Tanqueray so I'm buzzing hardcore. Thanksgiving tomorrow with my Dad's family. I'm not sure what to expect. I have to be ready to go early, I hope they don't make me go to church or something. That would suck ass. My birthday is saturday. Gonna be 19. I feel a little bad about it, a year as an adult and nothing to show yet. I really want to fix that. But not being a fuckup is kind of hard, I've been one for so long. C`est la vie.

I need something to give me some drive in life. That's what I want more than anything, because it always feels like I'm just drifting day by day. Seems sort of drifterish. I dunno. I just want to change it. Can ya blame me?

ZH out motherfuckers.

Nov. 6th, 2007

If being happy makes it so easy for me to take advantage of people, perhaps I should return to my solitude. Lest I have to experience this feeling yet again in the future.

Oct. 17th, 2007

I should stop playing World of Warcraft, I feel really shitty when I don't get picked for raids. I'm the last resort. Sigh.
No grandma I don't have a fucking girlfriend yet. Thanks for reaffirming what a loser I am. Oh, and asking me "Why?" is just salt in the fucking wound, ESPECIALLY when this is the sixth time we've done this song and dance. I don't want to keep telling you the reasons I'm bad with women or being social in general.

Having an apartment doesn't mean I'm going to open my door and some awesome chick will be standing there like "Hey baby"
So um. Got the electric bill today. Something like 179 dollars. Apparently that's more than 'a little high'. My mom is pissed and I feel really bad.

The one question I really have to ask myself is why it's so high. Honestly, I imagine it's something involving the air conditioning.

Regardless, I've got this stress headache that's been setting in, I feel really guilty, and I'm not quite sure how to resolve the feeling.

Still don't have a job.

So far I've put in applications at Submarino's, Walmart, Trader Joe's, and EB Games. Going to go put in more tomorrow. I wouldn't really mind any of them save Walmart. But working some place I want to isn't likely to happen, and I have to get a job. So I can pay rent and shit.

God I don't think I was ready to be on my own. But it's too late for that. Now's the time when I fly or crack my skull on the pavement. Heh, bird references. Awesome.

Fuck me.